Border Journal - 1 April 2005

Knock knock knock knock! Rap rap rap! Knock knock knock knock! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!

On and on and on it goes... I am on the couch, prostrate, struggling to lift from the depths of REM sleep. It continues. "Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!" I hear grumbling, then yelling. It's Spanish. It sounds angry. In my stupor I struggle to assemble a few simple, fragmented thoughts... then, suddenly, I'm awake. It's not a dream. What time is it? Where am I? And again: "BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!" Now my mental picture is complete: They are at my front door. There are many more of them than just one of me. They want inside. And they're not happy.

I need a strategy... NOW. I continue to feign sleep, grasping for ideas in spite of the continual banging and yelling. My head is propped up on the couch arm, facing the front door 20 feet away. My dilemma: Do they need help? Is it an emergency? Should I get up and answer the door at 2:30 in the morning---in complete darkness, for people I don't know, and who are in this country illegally? Or should I bolt to the interior hallway for protection? On the far end of the couch I see the outline of my son's head; no, I will stay right here. To my left across the room shines the weak, atomic-blue glow of a blank TV screen long after the DVD had put the two of us to sleep. It illuminates me and I realize that they've seen us through the 6 foot tall window beside door. At that moment I am braced by this fact: I am defenseless. I will just have to roll the dice, again, as my Government often expects me to do. I am just going to have to tough it out and see what unfolds. I am going to lie right here, unmoving, feigning sleep, hoping they will eventually give up and go away without charging the door.

"BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!"

By now, there have been 10 minutes of continual pounding on my front door. Lying motionless, my mind is flitting between questions and scenarios: "Why my door and not one of my neighbors'?" I guess they looked inside and saw us lying there. "What do they want? What do I do if they charge the door? Will it hold? Are they desperate? Do they have a gun?" I am faced with a moral dliemma: Do I go to the door and ask if they need help or do I act in my own best interest? Can I take the risk? I am at once angry. Once again I ask myself, "Why does my Government put me in this position? Why does my Government make me roll the dice on the safety of myself and my family?" In the weak glow, I can see my wife standing in the hallway. She too has figured out the situation. I wonder "What if I were away on a business trip right now?"

Finally the pounding stops and I wait a full minute before bolting for the hallway, switching off the TV with one quick passing stoke. It's dark inside the house now and the moon is down, so I run back to the couch, scoop up my son, and deliever him to our bedroom in total darkness. I hope they haven't gone around the back of the house as others have done before, testing the other windows and doors for access. My wife and I stand in the hallway, frozen, listening for the slightest sound. I realize my 6 year old daughter's bedroom is on the front of the house, 10 feet from the door... and that her window is open. What do I do?

Half an hour later, we realize they really have gone. But we're still too rattled to sleep. This is ridiculous. This is hell.

/CM